EGOIST

2006-10-12T00:45:00.000-07:00

haha!im back!wooo.havent been updating for a reallly long tym.guess my blog's kinda dead x_x

for now,im like totally addicted to audition sea.><><>

im currently only at lvl 11...freedom..x_x so slow! im sucha slow person but i like it can! hahah.

right now having plant design class.totally sian.im gonna fall asleep soon.

oo.my sis's having exams now.best of luck to her.and after that she can go play her bball for all she wants ><

before i go,

pple tag me can!if not i can officially declare my blog dead!

actually i've another xanga blog n i do haf frens there who comment me oftenn.so i guess its kinda unfair if i were to just update here only.x_x

jhei

2006-10-08T09:14:00.000-07:00

i guess my life is like a withering flower.
gonna end soon..
sigh.
why cant i just feel happy for once.
):
i dont knw anything.im just a...gonna soon be dead person i guess.

hei

2006-10-05T08:32:00.000-07:00

feeling absolutely restless.my energy is slowly depleting.same goes for my enthusiasm towards life..or rather my life. = cure me please.

shyt.my sis is bugging me now.shes having major exams tmr and im like really trying to focus on my stuffs.irritating.if only i could move out on my own..cos i know im not a good person..i should just live alone so i wont bother anyone.i wish i werent feeling this way but this is the exact feeling.i don't know if my friends would understand what im talking about.nevermind><

lets hope tomorrow will be a better day.

hei

2006-10-04T08:01:00.000-07:00

feeling very down at the moment.
its like evrything's crashing on me.
having bouts of moodswings.as if anyone cares tho.
not gonna care too much too.just live my own life till my life withers away forever.

since dis is my blog i shall type wadevr i want.
im unhappy wif my life.and i honestly do not knw what i should do.maybe i shld just smile and let it go..cos im not perfect and nver will i be. perhaps its my punishment for being on dis world.
I dunno nth no more!
dun ask me.

hei

2006-10-02T23:52:00.000-07:00

T^T

im overstressed !

2006-08-24T09:53:00.000-07:00

really v. tired! yawns.

ryte nw im like really really trying to get sth into that grey matter of mine!

its the last paper tmr~

Heat transfer.

i dread it!

bcos lotsa calculations.

I don't know why evrything is happening to me. its not what i wanted.

I am being regarded as the bad person and im just sick of it all.

DO i really deserve all this junks?everything isnt going my way-at all..

and I really think I wont deserve this anymore.

And i won't be hurt anymore.

i wont cry anymore.

cos crying doesn't help.

this i've realised.

hei

lethargic

2006-08-15T05:14:00.000-07:00

Am..lethargic.haven't had a good night's rest since last night..and the evidence is shown on my face..i look like a walking zombie..or maybe even worse than that. Hate those zits appearing on my face..and I think I'm seriously gonna change my foundation to sth better.the current foundation I'm using sucks.It makes me look worse than my natural face,since it cakes really badly I can even see my pores.I should just invest in a good product.that said,loreal's ideal balance foundation is bad..

Enough rantings.Exam period sucks.totally!really miss my fwens..miss dose outings..but wait till my exams are over..i'll bombard them till siao..hahas((:

hei

2006-08-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

Am very tired.Restless.. spent national day..well sorta..at esplanade..
): pondering over lotsa stuffs.like friendship and all.Sorta lost contact with most of my friends already..ever since i don't know when..all busy with their own lives kinda thang.. well.. sad ): and of cuz im busy with my own life too.. but i really miss dose days.miss em loads. Only managed to talk on phone with some of em..other than that, the rest seem to be mia frm my life..no wonder dere's a saying that friendship needs to be maintained..same goes for relationship..if not it will just fade away sum day. ):

hei

2006-08-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

'Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness.It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.'

I've realised that up till now,the source of my unhappiness stems from a yearning to attain self-gratification.This yearning has led to me being absorbed in it..as if its a trap lying there just waiting for me to walk into it..and I'm trapped in it too long a time to finally realise actually there isn't any need for me to do so,cos life is actually more than that.more than the things in which I've engaged myself into.

Listening to the beatles now.i love 'yes,it is'.it strikes a chord within it.Norwegian wood is nice too,but after hearing it on repeat-mode,i still don't quite get the melody..or maybe its just me.

hei

exams

2006-08-06T03:08:00.000-07:00

I'm so stressed up.like totally):
bcos of exams.fluid mec test tmr and did i study?Im stuck at some tutorial questions..
big sigh. very very tired.i need some form of energy boost..like red bull ahha!

Which reminds me,i've got two tests on tuesday.i can so die on the spot!
god,please help me through this period.i really need it..

really detest my hair!it sucks totally.

hei

HAPPY BDAE PAPA!

2006-08-05T04:06:00.000-07:00

Happy bdae to my beloved PAPA!!
Papa,I'm so sorry that i've always disappointed you in many ways.
Don't worry..i love you very much..i wont let u be sad or unhappy no more..

Hei

2006-08-02T22:51:00.000-07:00

Oh mine.having period now.totally sucks! hahas..yest after watching Lake house movie with dear..i went to the toilet and was shocked that it came at the wrong time..thankfully dear has pad in her bag!haha..

Lakehouse movie is really romantic..i love kate and alex in the movie!They are like soo sweet..hahas..dear and I watched it at shaw tower. We sat at the back..and we both ate subway..dear has bcum addicted to subway bcos of me.haha..hmm..i was practically hugging her during the movie..dear,luv it when you hug me..that swit warm feeling!(: before tt,i was like damn hurt can!!cos dear cut her wrist bcos of me..dear,you promised you wont cut like me,yet you still cut ): oh my can..i feel so guilty and hurt..plz promise ever not to cut yourself anymore..if not i'll be really sad ok.

What is love?Is love merely two people physically being together,enjoying each other's company?Is love something which will eliminate the feeling of loneliness frm you?
To me,love is a quality which only two people in the relationship will know..that no one else can take away from either of them.To love is to be loved by return,bcos only then will the relationship flourishes.To love someone is to overlook his/her flaws and love her for who she is..and not insult her bad points or charactor or even looks to a point of no return.. you love a person cos of the way she makes you feel..
love is to appreciate each other..
Greatly disappointed..by expectations set by me which Im not able to reach.

feelings of dread.feelings of fear.feelings of disappointment.I'm terrified of these emotions already,and I wanna feel satisfaction but how should I feel when I don't even know?
Do my friends know?Does my family know?Do I myself know?Does anyone know at all?And I think no one on the surface of this earth does give a care to me..

I dont know why pple would think im wrong to blog in such a manner?its like this is my blog..and if i can't even have the right to post how I feel..where else am I gonna channel my energy on and have a deep insight onto my train of thoughts?i cant vent it on anyone cos it will be downright unfair,so there's only one way out for me-and that is to blog or write in my diary.I can't reveal my problems to anyone anymore because I know everyone has his own life to lead.I need to heal myself fully..
time will heal..

hei

2006-07-31T01:44:00.003-07:00

I *HUG* MY FRIENDS!
At my lowest moment..and at a point when i felt everything was against me,they were there for me..offering me their shoulders and cheering me up..
at least they understand me.((:

was disappointed today..
So sigh can!aiya.im so lazy.want to die le lah..dont feel like studying..just wanna chat and chat..and go out and play..wahahah! but its clearly impossible.. and im not gonna forgo studies for anything else. this aside, i saw a necklace i kinda like.hehe.

saturday
Met up with dear at P.S..dear was angry at me cos i didnt pick up her call..but after awhile.she was okay le..then we just walked ard..and after walking at P.S..we walked to orchard..I had dinner at subway again..kinda addicted to it alrdy i seriously wanna try the meatballs..i dig meatballs(: .. then we walked ard at far east plaza..took neoprints..dear was so funny..she chose "winter"..and it was bleh..i love it when dear hugged me..after taking neoprints,we were walking...saw her gay friends...hehs.. really enjoyed da day with dear.wanna hug her tight forever...but too bad time's too short...we were sitting down when i realised it was alrdy 11+ pm.was in a frenzy and we quickly rushed to the bus stop..dear boarded her bus first and I boarded mine much later.
sunday
Stayed at home and had a good rest.nearly fought with dear cos I was too stressed and lashed out at her.then ltr at night,i made dear stressed up again..sigh.. dear..i just wanna hold u tite by my side...

hei

2006-07-29T00:46:00.000-07:00

updates!
my god.i cant stand her anymore yet i cant do anything about it,can i?all i can do is ren..ahha..
and biatch..no reason but I just love the bitching sessions by my bestie and me...but shes gonna take her A level soon..no time fer me at all and its been sucha long tym since we last met.heh.
anw,im so tired cans..life is like a routine fer me and i wish i could go on holiday and just leave everything behind..its been ages since I last went on a holiday n i missed those tyms honestly.
one of my friends is currently introducing guys to me..i ask her to intro gals to me..but all her friends were straight..so anw,i dun mind making guy friends.. but friends are what we will only ever be.
cos i am attached now.
dear,i know u really love me.i promise i wont keep wanting to say the break-up word..lets care fer each other..

next week is a really hectic week..dear will be busy with her work stuffs and i will be soooo busy with tests and stuffs.
plenty of schwork.. sigh.. better study hard n graduate fast.and go into sth which makes me feel for it. hahas..as fer my current situation,just as usual..bear with it for a lil while..everything will go on smoothly fer me..

hei

boring

2006-07-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

gotta make a beeline to sch now..
but i feel like blogging outta a sudden..so there.
im like going bonkers.over what.of this im not too sure of.
sometimes i feel im goin crazy over really insignificant stuffs*pulls my hair*..
like fussing over the smallest matter..i wonder wads really going on in that grey matter of mine.

updates laters.
hopefully.

hei

refrain

2006-07-25T05:03:00.001-07:00

Alas,I refrain from slicing for two days alr.
hopefully it can last forever.i feel like doing it today cos i cant manage my emotions yet again..but thankfully i practice some self-control.Really feel like crying hard..but i didnt.

my wound is beginning to heal..yet I ponder why is it that the cuts can recover so easily yet the heart is something within oneself that one would never get to see.
i can hide beneath a facade and say tt I'm ok and no one will know..cos they can't get to see my heart at all - and that the only one who knows the truth is me..

im egoistic..but not to the extreme of being egotistic.

hei

2006-07-23T05:05:00.000-07:00

I slice myself again.

i don't mean to..but i have no choice.

im refraining to cut myself on the stomach..cos my stomach hurts alot.

for now,im just cutting my wrist..

actually yeah its painful but not tt painful..as compared to my heart.

my heart is bleeding.

listening to songs on repeat mode as I slice myself..

razor blades,safety pins and knifes are my best friends..

they say the memories will fade away.

but in my mind they still haunt

why do pple hurt me..when they realise they take away my everything.

One day at a time, I have to wait

Just one day at a time, and the pain will go away

hei

2006-07-23T03:27:00.000-07:00

What a lovely and gloomy sunday..
since i've nth to do..shall post pics of my crush..

shes really cute (: think im too crazy over her.watched tons of videos of her.
haha..at least looking at her..i won't be tempted to slice mah self anymore.at least for awhile.

i love her hair here..her sideburns are nice.

this is her blur look.

This is Jack..the cat I has a penchant for..
He is really cute.yeah..he has one eye missing..but i still like him alot.

SHE IS MY IDOL!

She has style and i love her music!ROCK!

Sigh..exams r approaching.
i hate exams.

hei

fragile

2006-07-22T05:15:00.000-07:00

i have not the slightest inkling of an idea whatsoever what has turned out of me.

i mean yeah..i feel real negative..used to be positive..used to be really cheerful n optimistic.but thats all only a facade.Appearances are deceiving.and im sick of deceiving myself.

don't know why pple tell me im lucky..like fortunate?noone knws what i've gone through..the many phases of my life. i knw they r concerned abt me..i knw and im truly grateful for that.

noone knws the loneliness i felt.

when my family used to be a piece.

and it broke into pieces right before my eyes.

noone knws how reluctant I am

to sleep and not wanting to wake up the very next day

cos life is too unpredicable;and im truly sick of it.

noone knws how envious i felt.

when i saw very loving couples.

noone knws h0w disappointment looms my heart;

when i got back my grades.

knwing i cld have done much better.

but i just cldn't put in that effort.

noone knows how much ive cried.

being on this earth.

i managed to slice myself yesterday.Hated myself for that.. wanna get a new lighter but i realised I didn't have any money left.OH WOW.im broke. (: isn't tt like the greatest thing to have happened to me? without money,i can forget abt going out with mah friends..cos going out consumes money and energy..im always tired these days.When im broke,i get real bored..even reading my favourite novels make me wanna doze off..

I know sooner or later,mah friends will all leave me..if they knw I've become to someone like i am now.. my blog is my emotional outlet and my songs..have been rocking to the tunes of aikawa,x-japan,dir en grey..nth too aggressive though..i love listening to sad songs.any nice sad songs recommendations.

slowly fading away..

hei

2006-07-21T01:33:00.001-07:00

hello.
i have another blog..but dun read it unless u feel the same way as i do.
i like to burn myself..and cut myself..
its a newfound indulgence for me..
just now after maths.. i went to co-op n bought a penknife..sharp one..i have penknife at home of cos..but its too old and the color sucks..

but penknife is not sharp enough..
i wana try safety pins or even a knife.. to stab myself.

i burn myself n it doesn't hurt..maybe i just am too numbed alr..
so sick of mah life..i love burning myself..its nice..the feeling.
i only burnt my stomach..
but its only the stomach..
next i'll be burning mah own face..
cos im too fugly..hahah for this world..

i havent cut yet..gonna cut my stomach first.

i wan to cut my own face but im slightly afraid to..

hei

sense of disappointment

2006-07-20T05:08:00.000-07:00

Am hm early today,as in I didn't go anywhr else aft school..which ended rather late.
too tired. yawns.
Im in a daze..feel like crying again..what has happened to me?
feel utterly disappointed but crying wont help a thing at all.
time passes swiftly.i ought to come to terms with it instead of procrastinating all day.

noone really understands me,and i dun truly understand others as well..which is why sometimes i feel like im in a dark pit..and above me is a dark dark gloomy sky and its gonna rain anytime soon.i know i sound really morbid..but im really feeling the way i do and all I can do is to rant it on my blog..pple might not like it but i do feel better after venting out my emotions.and at least im not doing sth self-mutilative..but i do feel an urge to do that at times.

laters.

hei

2006-07-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

i love swedish meatballs and cheesecake!!((:
but aft that,back to the same old me..
the forever being misunderstood person.so tired of life.

yawns yawns.
tired.

hei

2006-07-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

boredom.
save me!
sudd think my life truly sucks..
not bcos of anything.
i just want a happy life.like happy family n someone there for me.
but luck isn't with me.i think i shld just disappear frm the axis of this globe.

at tyms. i just wana cry but its so diff..cos im too used to crying.tt crying holds not as much meaning to me anymore.Its so xin ku.noone understands..forever..
agonized..

so sick of listening to me pouring out my woes to me.missed dose tyms when there were no troubles and life was a smooth breeze..but whats life without setbacks n obstacles?so perhaps this is what i m doing..to experience life's turmoils.

a song tt i've been listenin over n over again.

I told myself so many times that you still love me

In a vain attempt to keep my courage strong

But somehow I can't make myself believe it

'Cause the way you're acting lately proves I'm wrong

The cards are on the table the writing's on the wall

I can see you're gonna leave me and the tears are gonna fall

It's time I started doing anything I have to do

To help myself start getting over you

There's not a thing that I can do to change the future

And I sure can't change your mind 'cause I've tried

So I might as well admit I'm gonna lose you

'Cause that leavin' kind of looks there in your eye

wont update any tym soon..
maybe till im feelin much betta.

hei

2006-07-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

Sudd im afraid of this world.

so full of unpredicabilities tt u will nv know of.

Feelin really sore.
dunno..how i wish i cld escape to another world.
feel tt this world is rly unfair to me.
or is it karma.
i wish i knew.

I wanna type happy stuffs but there's nth for me to type abt.
oh yeah.tmr still got plant utilities test.shagged.but must REN...
then maybe wed go clubbing~ but see first~cos thurs got school...
Thinking abt my goals in life..
what do i work hard for?All along,its just to fulfil my ambitions..SIGH.
looking at my reflection in the mirror makes me gasp..i look sad...and my dark rings are starting to appear..whats happening to me huh~

I think i'm in love with many drinks like peppermint pearl milk tea.. quite nice i like!(: very addictive..

gtg

hik

2006-07-16T10:46:00.000-07:00

wont be updating anytime soon..
or maybe forever.

hik

2006-07-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

im really agonised.

what exactly has happened?this im not too sure of.

I'm really AGONISED

but no one can help me.

because everyone has his own life to lead..his own personal space..

and no one cares abt me.

I do deserved all these.

i shld stop whining and whining cos its practically useless and does me no gd..

and stop worrying my buddies who are really concerned abt me..and listen me pour out my woes..

HELP!im dying already.

WHY MUST ALL THESE HAPPENED TO ME?!?!

God only helps those who help themselves.I don't do a single thing to help myself.

All i do is agonise over really silly stuffs which I matter alot or rather,i make it sound like it really really matters when its just insignificant in this complicated world.

im really tired and restless.

my eyes just wanna close forever.

hik

2006-07-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

im heading out now..

gonna meet baby at her hse.

poor baby had bad bruises on her face.): so sad! ):

perhaps watching Pirates of the carribean wif friend later on.

finally its weekend..

hahas.

am listening to loveholic's music.very ear-catching stuffs!(:

i love aikawa!!SHE's my rock goddess!

hik

2006-07-13T07:24:00.001-07:00

i'm home early today.
Had a really long sleep last night..eyes cld hardly open then went for class reluctantly.
oh yeah.today is kelly's and my sis's bdae. (:

don't know why.there's this feeling in my heart.i find it extremely disturbing..i don't know what it is.

anyway,aft school,i went to meet my good friend.i miss her loads..we went to eat first. I bought Mr Bean for dinner and she bought choc pancake.made me drool!..hahas..(: ice blended soya milk with pearl and bean curb with rice balls.
for some reason,i just dig rice balls.. think my friends know that..i just have a thing for rice balls..
and pistachio almond ice cream hahas!while everyone strays away from it..i just love it sooo much! ((: its real nice ok! Oh,after eating,we went to library to chill and i was reading magazines..then we proceeded to arcade and play daytona..and i attempted to catch a stuff toy but i realize i suck at it.After that,i went home..

Reached home and watched the 9pm show..don't know why but I still prefer the previous show.This show's kinda boring..

im really upset.

bt noone cares at all.

Our love, nothing to do
It's lonely here, without you
The candlelight is burning low
The love songs on the radio
And memories are all I have to show
Photographs, tickets for two
Promises that all fell through
Now everything's in black and white
The colors faded with the night
And the stars we used to wish upon
Have somehow lost their light...

hik

sad

2006-07-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

Why am I always getting hurt?

I ponder..when will I ever be happy..away from all these loneliness and pain.

Its true tt life is abt suffering

Is there any way to end it all?

Suddenly i'm reminded of my friend in heaven.

i'm really sad.

STOP IT!

hik

2006-07-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

Heat transfer test tmr..and aft that I can take a breather..for now..

SIGH.i dread it when im feeling stressed up..

reminising those days when there were no worries.

I won't flare up at pple who lash out at me or pinpoint my faults or gossip behind my back.

If I were to ask God who is better to me,God wld say its those pple who point out my faults as they are there to help me train my patience.Without them,I wld be a person who wld not gain enlightenment soon.
I sincerely thank Buddha for teaching me the path to Enlightenment.

That I shld forgive but not forget the lessons.

That if i'm unhappy with someone for any reason,I should not attempt to badmouth her cos it would only hinder my route to Enlightenment.
That I should appreciate their existence,for they are there for a reason - to help train one's patience.

hik

cornea ulcer

2006-07-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've contracted two cornea ulcers.
damn pain can.):

Jovern dear accompanied me to the optometry centre.
Got attended by this student..think she was in 2nd year or sth..
then her lecturer was so fierce man..kept reprimanding her...and she apologised to me saying her student was a lil slow..but i found her quite cute la...haha..
skipped practical cos my eyes really hurt!
Initially I thought it was just my contact lens,but God knows what's in store for me - cornea infection which cld lead to blindness and the lecturer said sth like thank god i didn't attend the practical and came for a checkup cos it cld be worse!
I was freaked out really..Sigh..i need to be punished for not taking care of my eyes..

Aft that,i accompanied jovern to eat at sp fc..then we took bus down to bukit merah central cos i wanted to go to the library to study..jovern wanted to go tiong bahru at 1st..cos she wanna drink the bubble tea frm Sweetalk.In the end,she bought bubble tea for me..which tasted really bland and awful.Then we headed to the library..i tried to study there but nothing got into my head..cos its maths..OH yeah..today the math lecturer talked to me and said I shld attend her lessons more so she cld clarify my doubts.So we were at the library till i said i wanna go home..then we walked together to my hse area. We walked to the void deck to see the white cat but its not there..then i went to practice maths..

To jovern dear:
i l u..
when im sad,u r there providing a listening ear..
I know u did not intend to throw my hp.. u only threw it cos u were hurt by me for wanting to leave you so many times.
I love the way you touch me..
I love the way you hold and hug me..
And your kisses.. your gentle kisses on my cheek and lips..
dun hurt each other anymore..
and enjoy each other's company ok~??

hik

how do i live without you

2006-07-09T02:11:00.001-07:00

Returned home a while ago..

went to tiong bahru plaza to celebrate my younger sis's birthday.

though its not her actual day.

I kinda miss the old times.

When we were younger,my parents would buy us birthday cakes and we would go out to celebrate..but all these were memories of the past.

I dun even like cakes now..

Back to topic.Anyway,we went sakae sushi to eat..boo.I dun like sakae sushi.I seriously think the quality of its sushi is uncomparable to suki sushi's..sigh..anyway I waited till my legs almost rotted.Ordered Teriyaki chicken bento set..i love the teriyaki chicken only..my sis and mom ate chicken ramen which i thought was rather costly..

then we went shopping..nothing much to shop at all!~_~

I bought sunsilk shampoo and conditioner..cos my mane'n'tail conditioner was depleting..will try it out tomorrow..

oh my god..my sis remarked that my sideview and topview makes me look like a butch..sigh..and the weird thing was i didnt even style my hair..

New song on my playlist(:
nice song..luv it..
how wld i live without you?

I've patched back with her.
cos i knw shes serious abt me..
sry baby for hurting you..
and baby said she will get back my phone asap..
baby,if you're reading this,i hope we wont hurt each other anymore..

alright.im heading out now...
with my mom and sis..
my sis turning older!
she'll be officially 15 soon!
and we'll celebrating her bdae in advance..

oh god. i realise im honestly broke.what am i to do?
i think i'll keep a lookout for a job asap..
cos i really need moolah..
and i realise Im gaining weight again!
This is what binging does to me..
I better start shedding off excess weight..
Refrain from eating pasta!I think im addicted to pasta.. though the pasta which i always ate kind of sucks.. sigh..

Engineering math test on tuesday,and heat transfer test on wednesday.
OMG.how am i gonna survive?

im happily in <3>

hik

2006-07-07T21:22:00.001-07:00

I'm truly crestfallen.

Disappointed.

I know she'll never return a new phone to me cos we had a conflict yesterday..

i sorta took revenge..and she flared up.

I was thinking,what did I gain?

I gain nth frm this r/s..

I wasted my time,energy and lost the hp which I bought it using my own hard-earned money from the job I took up during the term break.
She sms-ed me saying I deserved it all.Maybe I do.

I deserve it all..

I couldn't take it any longer,hence I broke down.

for the umpteeth time this month.

I honestly want to ask someone wiser than me that since i deserve so much trauma in my life.. might as well just end my life...end it all.

I live only for my grandma and my dad.

My heart is fragile and it can't bear the brunt of too much stress.

I broke down again last night..and went to the park.I sat down for awhile crying till my eyes were red and deprived of any emotions.

Then i walked inside of a block.

the other time when I broke down and there was nobody there for me when I needed them most,I saw a beautiful white cat with distinct almond eyes.

Today I saw it again..

While others ignore my plight,the cat walked towards me.Unlike other cats which were afraid of humans,it jumped onto my lap and I stroked it gently and cried yet again..i knew it wasnt a stray cat.. so thats probably why it wasnt afraid of me.

Like me, cats are lonely..they are always alone..

I'm distinctly at a rage now.
My handphone was gone forever.
all the memories stored inside.
erased with a swift throw into the bin.
My computer was spoilt.
all bcos my grandfather didn't want me to go online and tampered with it.
Now its spoilt forever..
all my personal pictures.
photos of Miyavi and dir en grey.
Important files.
Msn conversations.

My computer underwent the same destiny as my handphone.
Everything was gone down the drain..
Perhaps this is what fate wishes to convey to me..
that memories won't be stored forever.
And one day,i'll be gone too.

hik

2006-07-06T23:41:00.000-07:00

Watched Re-cycle yest night with jovern..
its more of a supernatural movie but still managed to scare the wits outta me.
by the time the movie ended,it was already 11+.. went home and my mom interrogated me..for the umpteeth time..
I couldnt care less..so i just turned in..my whole body was aching and my head was giddy as it was a long day.I hate mon and thurs..ends late. ):

i hate my hair. i know it sounds dumb,but let me rant!! ):
i hate the rate at which its growing..grunts.
too bad im not a rich kid...

I think my dad is really concerned abt me,to the extent of fetching me to sch everyday.. But I LOVE IT hahas cos i like riding on bikes.I like how the wind blows against me.. the nice cool breeze...and I just relish the fact that my dad loves me so much ((:
I LOVE YOU PAPA.
My dad who works so hard for my family.
For my paralysed grandma..
for my sis and I..
for my whole family..

I almost forgot!
went to eat Suki Sushi with my friend on wed..
My first time eating there and I think its
way better than sakae sushi..
I relish the sashimi.
but i can never fully enjoy the benefits of a buffer,be it sushi or whatever..
cos my stomach cant bear the brunt of too much food at one go..

Oh i suddenly remember
i miss you guys..

yvonne and SE!
you know who u are...

hik

2006-07-04T01:42:00.000-07:00

Im honestly on the verge of breaking down.
My dad was right.I have like no direction in life.
And he was saying how cld I expect others to understand me when i dun even.

Maybe its retribution.
BE positive.
Its easier said than done.

I'm optimistic,but thats only a facade.
Deep in my heart,I'm living with a multitude of feelings,a sense of dread and unwanted fear.
While I acknowledge the existance of all these mixture of feelings and the inclination of me wanting to be an escapist of my own life, I know its highly impossible.

For I'm just a lone soul on the surface of this earth,nothing more than a burden.
Tears engulf me for too long a time.I'm suffocated and restless and I lack motivation.
Sometimes,I wish I were not born to be me.

I guess people stop reading my blog much.
its hardly entertaining.
layout's cool but content filled with morbidness.
psycologically unwholesome with a quench for negativity.
sooner or later.its gonna be ever so detrimental to one's mental health.
):
Call me MORBID..

I'm sorry to myself for making me feel this way.
I'm sorry to be unable to make myself happy.
I'm sorry that my grandma is paralysed forever.
I'm sorry that I can't do my dad proud.
I'm sorry that I can't be motivated to do the things I ought to be doing.
I'm sorry that I take life too lightly.
That life has its trials and tribulations.
That this world doesnt exist solely for me.
And one day I'll be hit so hard by the truth that i'll cry a river..

hik

2006-07-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

I do think the contestants for SI this season are just not as good as the previous ones.Vocal-wise,only Jonathan is really able to sing.I like meryl but she withdrew outta the competition.. paul twohill looks really weird.. i do think he has sausage lips and thats funny.

Went to bugis wif friend.so boring can.I think i gained weight. I just binge all the time,ever since last week I guess.Undergoing too much stress can lead to one overeating just to overcome that all that emotional barrier.I think.Im starting to think maybe I shld really start putting in extra effort.because seriously speaking,ever since the start of this semester,I havent been studying.Reason being,im too preoccupied with other stuffs.totally unrelated to schoolwork.
im really distressed.

My stomach is growling.Though i just ate alot just now when I was outside with my friend but nothing cld satisfy my appetite as yet. just wanna eat and eat.. i dun even care abt whether i will gain weight.i just dun care anymore.
this morning,I had a good talk with my dad.I'm so proud that my dad cares alot abt me. Sorry dad,that I've disappointed you in so many ways.

When this world is dark and gloomy,I come to the sudden realisation that out there,just beside me,there are people who will be there by my side.supporting me despite my many flaws. When I tear,there will be people wiping my tears for me.When I weep,there will be people silently waiting for me to cry to my heart's content. When I'm feeling hopeless,there will be people believing i have potential.

I'm giving myself two weeks to overcome myself.

hik

2006-06-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

sigh.
starting to feel like im a useless being once again.
maybe i really am.

demoralised.
with my results and everything..
wanna buck up but its all too late..i guess?
i know i have potential but it is untapped..
so theres no point really. unless i really put in the effort..which means no more going out for me..no more meeting up with close friends..no more fun.sigh.so boring..

sigh...
all i can do is sighing.
theres really nth much for me to blog anymore..

right now,there's only so much stress in life one can handle.
i really regret everything i did.
why didnt i think before i choose?

why am I forever leaving everything to fate?

i just wanna pursue my dreams in life.
and thats all im living for.

hik

2006-06-27T04:32:00.000-07:00

im really disappointed and stressed up.
on da surface,i may look happy but deep in my heart im not.
i hate everything tt falls upon me.

i seek for true friends.yes i have.maybe i dun.
i don't know.
because its not up for me to judge.
cos everyone is blinded in some ways.

Friends who know me for a long time..say a few years already..say that im a good friend..
i wanna know if im one.because on the flip side of the story, some pple dont really like me cos of misplaced trust or wadever.
i dont care.its nt worth my time but i just wanna know the reasons behind opinions.

my dad said its sth to do with how well you know that person.
my friends who know me for several years wont notice my flaws as well as others who dont know me well.
just like how I'll observe the bad traits in others more as compared to my friends' cos they are my friends and its just not right to pinpoint their flaws.

I used to think friends were impt.i mean..they are there when your lonely.. and brighten yr world..

I used to think relationships were a phase humans go through. now i realise i dont need love..
or at least, think for myself..

I DESERVE BETTER.

I used to weep over friends whom i treated as friends.
but i deserve better friends.

Friends are pple who appreciate your existance.

A loved one makes you feel on top of the world.

what i got in return is

tears.and a heart full of underlying misery.
and a misplaced trust.

tears,when shed,will be gone.. never to return to remind you the times when you cried so miserably.

a heart full of underlying misery hiding behind a calm face takes some time to be mended.
but the damage is there.and will never be rectified.

a misplaced trust. im jaded.

i've been hurt by myself.

happiness is being contented with oneself.

i lie in bed to sleep only to realise my eyes are wide open.
staring into the peak of darkness.
surrounded by an air of melancholy.

my eyes are void of soul.
my heart void of love.
my ears void of music.
my nose void of scent.
my mouth void of voice.

my entire being void of myself.

2006-06-23T07:09:00.001-07:00

firstly,i wanna wish my best pal yvonne happy 18th bdae!
we knew each other since ages ago.And we've both turned 18 now.
HOW TIME FLIES.im always saying this,but how true is this.
shes like real busy,preparing for her a levels.(:

HAPPY 18th BDAE!yvonne.

My stress level is definitely upped..cos my maths aint all that good.
and its abt time I should buck up..in fact,its time i shld buck up long ago..sigh.

As for relationship,yesterday dear came over to my house..and it was kinda boring for her cos my whole family was at home and we really couldnt do anything much.

CONTINUE TAGGING!missyaall..

hik

2006-06-23T07:09:00.000-07:00

firstly,i wanna wish my best pal yvonne happy 18th bdae!
we knew each other since ages ago..was it primary one?And we've both turned 18..
shes like real busy,preparing for her a levels.(:

HAPPY 18th BDAE!yvonne.

Im no longer called Hik! (: cos some of my friends have difficulty remembering it..
so next time i'll be called

Ashlyn.

why Ashlyn?cos i love ash..i mean the colour..haha..and ash by right sounds like a guy's name..

my sis says it bloody reminds her of Ashley simpson..i ought to say it reminds me of Ashton kutcher instead..ahhaha! in the future,i wont be hik anymore.
i'll be Ashlyn.

hopefully,my friends get used to calling me that..

ashlyn lim. omg can!

School is starting real soon.my stress level is definitely upped..cos my maths aint all that good.
and its abt time I should buck up..in fact,its time i shld buck up long ago..sigh.

As for relationship,yesterday dear came over to my house..and it was kinda boring for her cos my whole family was at home and we really couldnt do anything much..but still imissher.
hahas.

CONTINUE TAGGING!missyaall..

ashlyn the gal

2006-06-20T09:10:00.001-07:00

ME at sentosa hahas..
doing a silly pose.

lol.another of me..

Its unimaginable.I still can't get over my friend's death..read my previous post.SIGH.the saddest thing was when my maid told me she came and looked for me and my sis on thursday,yet we weren't around and she was gone the next day.
I miss her.
Yes I do.

sh

unpredicability that reality can bring

2006-06-18T22:06:00.000-07:00

I just learnt abt the death of my neighbour,who's also my younger friend.I just feel extremely saddened.Its very heart-wrenching and I cried unbearably.its like,why?shes so young and innocent and she doesn't deserve to die.She always came up to my house in the past and I would let her play our comp,watched tv and just played with her..its very fun.She was not a normal child in the eyes of society,yet to me,shes intelligent and everything an innocent child possesses.I love her for who she is,but before she even blossoms into teenagehood,God has to take her away from earth.

A few years back,her grandfather(deceased) together with her and her grandmother,my grandfather,my sis and I went to Malaysia together.It was real fun..her laughter,bright smile and youthful personality are especially memories of her which are close to my heart. i never expected her and her grandfather to die within these few yrs.Life's unpredicability i reckon.

To my friend in heaven:
Rest in peace for you'll never experience the perils of life again.
I will keep you in my garden of memories forever in my heart.

sh

2006-06-17T20:19:00.000-07:00

SIGH.feeling so reluctant now can.):
sch's starting very soon and im scared ): boohoo.
wanna have fun all day but its like so not possible for me anymore.

hahs.nevermind.lifes short so i sld seriously stop whining rights?haha.
um.anyway,i watched MTV asia on #51 and I LUV IT OK!
i used to have this craze over mtv cos of cable and actually,i only watch cable for mtv and it is really at mtv when I got myself addicted to jpop/kpop and jrock!miyavi the cool dude!i still rem a-do..i luv one of his older songs..damn nice the video i mean.And S.E.S just a feeling mtv got me dancing..i just luv dem..but sadly they disbanded.how sad rights!

hahah.oh yeah,caught dis movie almost love last tuesday.Comical at the start and agonising as the climax is being revealed.Its motivating,so i like it.:)

i guess i'll stop here for the moment.
yawns.going swimming later.
do tag me!

sh

2006-06-15T23:32:00.000-07:00

WADS DA POINT?
i feel as if my life's hit an all-time low.. im just not whom i used to be.Life's motto is for one to be happy,and I wanna be happy and radiate happiness to the pple around me but lifes just not being good to me ): i m just disappointed..

Many stuffs bugging me and hogging my entire being.I just wanna break away from them all and kill myself and end it all!great right?its all too great..hell im being sarcastic here..cos im just not in a good mood..like anyone cares though.brrrr.

true friends?i wish ive really got.i've got few but true friends n thats all it matters right?life?
family.everything's still da same after so many years.

PPLE always assume im ok but im just not ok!

SH

2006-06-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

HAHA!Finally done..my new blogskin! ((:
Lol um.im so bored can!thought i can at least go overseas or sth but my hopes are seriously dashed-to the point of me being so fed up and everything..

Went out wif dear on monday..we went to town.I wore da same shirt over again.I AM SO CASH-STRAPPED! ): anyway,enough of my rantings,we went to heeren and I bought a shirt frm a shop there..seems lyk the shirt is quite popular..saw quite a no. of pple wearing it.And I bought a hairband cos my hair is getting outta hand..its real messy!and i dun ever wanna cut it again in the attempt to grow my hair long.
this is how i freakin look wif a hairband.dear said she prefered me wif spiky hair..me too actually.

SH

2006-06-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

HMM.this is my new blog..have another one at xanga actually..but its like its been ages since I last really touched html..so my xanga aint all that great.. so i wld rather have customized layout.. ((: yeah..

oh.btw,its term break now..one word b-o-r-i-n-g.. i wanna go overseas like sooo muchie but my hopes are dashed.): but still.. gonna hang out with my bunch of friends..and my stead..<3

UHH!

2006-06-10T20:58:00.000-07:00

HELLO ((: